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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

is she a baby? is she a toddler?....she's a KID!

Do you ever sit there on the floor watching your kids play, you take a deep breath and suddenly you notice...the new baby smell is GONE! the drool, dirty diapers, colossal amount of laundry..etc...yeah, now that's still here.......but the new baby know the feeling! the tiny little person, with tiny parts, tiny coos, tiny cries...tiny.....tiny is GONE! It's been replaced by big noise and big cry and running and talking (and talking back)...not a bad thing, I don't DISLIKE my kids now...I just miss...the baby......a lot.
I have devoted my life to my kids....My thoughts, my actions, my every day "doings"...all for , kids. One might think, this kind of life is not a "full" life, that you should still have something of your own, like hobbies, carrier..etc.. To each his own, I say!...this motherhood thing is my hobby, carrier, life's work!...Motherhood is a 7 course meal for me, desert and cocktails included!..I don't feel like I'm cheating myself...I want to do this right and so putting my 100%, my whole self is in my opinion,( for me)...the only way!..I guess if you still need more...well you can smiley face here)
Tori is 14 months old....a walking, running, climbing, talking, screaming....exploring machine! she's fun and funny, full of life and love! Great! impressive! wonderful! fascinating! .....delightful!!!!......yet I'm a little sad, and I miss the baby...a lot..
Not quite sure why it is so hard this time around...never has been easy but this time....difficult..Maybe because this(most likely) is our last baby...aww, that thought did not come without pain..It is almost hard to comprehend that this chapter of our family life is over....ouch (there is that pain again). Big job ahead!...instead of having kids...we're now going to be raising them!...Monumental, grand, mighty job!...wish us LUCK...we'll need it...
I am up for the challenge, and when they are all "raised" and out in the world on their own journey we will have the memories of who they were and pride of who they've become....I love it now and I will love it later.....just miss the baby.....a lot

Sunday, February 6, 2011

the old raggedy bear

I am the old raggedy bear...sure I bring comfort when they're scared, hurt, need a shot...but just not as exciting as the new Christmas toy(daddy)....

Yes, I am a little envious! The minute my husband walks in the house they run and trip over things to get to him!....why do they trip over things? maybe I need to get rid of the clutter...well that's not the point! the point is he is their superhero, you know the one with the shiny belt and a cape...the "fun" parent!...I work "undercover". I wipe noses, hug and kiss when they get a "boo-boo"(actually Sadie calls me "mommy boo-boo gone":)...feed them, bathe them, dress them, teach them...He comes home and it's forts, jumping, ball throwing(in the house...ugh..)

Take this morning for example, Sadie was not listening and started screaming about the rule is(my rule not daddy's of course!) yell=things get taken away=simple. So she screamed and I took her lady bug pillow pet away(current fave)...she ran up to me and actually HIT my hand! we do not hit, spank...non of the physical it's not like she models after us. I immediately put her in time out and took her fave bear away too, got in her face and told her firmly"we DO NOT hit anyone EVER!" I went in the kitchen (to give myself a time out, really mad right now and like I said I don't believe in spanking and I'm trying to keep it that way..) DADDY...on his imaginary white horse as a proper knight in shining armor would, goes to"rescue" her, starts playing with her IN THE TIME OUT!....I know all want to yell out WTF!!as you should..just make sure the kids are not in the room...

After having 2 children with him I have learned that he does not and will not discipline. Doesn't know how aka doesn't want to, wants to just have NICE time with his kids as opposed to me who is just tickled by the yelling, negotiating , punishing ...etc...WHAT?!?!...anywho.....So with that knowledge I will discipline my children and let HIM be the fun parent...fine...not fair..but FINE!..I have stopped asking him to do that now but PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD....don't UNDO what I am trying to accomplish!...tired, pissed, I feel i have a pretty decent vocabulary and I don't think I'm a very vulgar person...but really.....WTF!!!!

And why does he feel the need to "rescue" her?!...where am I sending her?!...Guantanamo Bay?!?!'s a rug by the front door and she needs to sit there for few min!!...I think she'll be ok!

Changes need to be made....

I KNOW this can't be just my let's hear it moms, and maybe especially moms of daughters...lets have these daddy's grow some serious balls( that's right, I said it!'s been that kind of a day)...and stand up to those daughters!!....he certainly does not fold that fast when I try to have my way.......

oh daddy' to love'em.....and I do...truly love him with all my being...NEVER loved anyone like this....but there is days like this when I just want to....maybe....shake him a smidgen....

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

still pink lint in the dryer

It's been a while since I've updated this blog....A lot has happened. Kathy (now 20..21 this summer) has moved out with her.....BOYFRIEND!!!!!..oh BOY(pun intended) Scared, terrified, frightened, panicked.....these are all the emotions I have been feeling since....really hard to breath. At the same time...proud...

Sadie, now 3 1/2, started preschool!!...scared, terrified, frightened, panicked...and proud... again,that's all me. SHE did just great and is loving every minute of it!

Tori, who is now 14 months!!!!is walking, talking, climbing, moving furniture....scared, terrified, frightened, panicked...and proud.......yep, you guessed it, once more:(

There is a pattern here.. I don't do well with my kids growing up...sure you can keep having new ones, but they too WILL grow up! yes! it's true!..I have learned that...with that said, this doesn't mean that I'm done...or not done.....let's just say we locked that door but have not thrown away the key!

Kathy....just recently made honor roll, while working and going to school full time!...I don't know how she does it?! incredible work ethics...outlandish smarts and self discipline like it's going out of style!!...yeah, we're talking about the kid who would NEVER, EVER clean her room, thought showers we're for nerds, and homework was another name for a nap!......and guess what, now she cleans her apartment all the time, showers like the biggest nerd of all and must be "napping" ALL THE TIME, because she just made honor roll AGAIN and they are now paying HER to go to school!ha!....not bad for a kid of a teenage mom huh!!...Let me just make this crystal clear; I am NOT promoting teenage pregnancy...I'm just saying....nananananana....we kicked some studies and research butt!..MAGNIFICENT!!love her!!

Sadie-well, she's 3 1/2 and just started WRITING!!!...yes!..I said 3 1/2-writing..what an incredible kid she is! The girliest of all 3, adores make-up, shoes, dresses, purses..her long blond hair....but don't be fooled...that 3 1/2 year old brain of hers is as good looking as possibly imaginable!!...I mean let's review here the kid is 3 and she can write.....I rest my case!

Tori-ohhh my baby.........where do I begin?!?! sweet, hilarious, smart....I mean, I'm a sucker for the chubby cheeks and pudgy legs...all the sweetness babies have...especially mine! there is something about that baby...I just can't explain it...really...I am lost for can it can't! there is a lot more words left in me!....
Well, now that we're sort of up to date...let's talk, debate, reflect...throw me a topic and maybe we can get this motherhood thing figured out...or maybe not ...but you won't believe how NOT alone you are, and how people "get it" when you share.....
Next stop...daddies- the fun, exciting parents!

Friday, March 26, 2010

pink lint in the dryer

Pink lint in the dryer…

I’m 37 years old, I have a husband, a dog, a cat…oh yeah, and the reasons for all the pink lint in my
dryer…my 3 daughters! I am, what they call a “stay at home mom”, the opposite to the working mother….the NOT working mother? Is there such a thing? Are you ever “not working” when you are a mother? Really the “working mother” term is so redundant. In fact, here is my typical day;
Wake up in the morning, way earlier then desired, feed the baby, change the baby, make coffee, play with the baby, have a sip of coffee, wake up the teenager for work or school ( depends on a day), have a sip of coffee, spit up- change baby again, wake up teenager again, poo-poo – change baby again, wake up teenager again, make lunch for husband, put baby down for nap, sit on the couch for a minute, have now cold coffee listen to nothing…… minute later the toddler has now joined the party……do I love this life? bet ya!!!!!
I do, I love what my life has turn out to be. Family wasn’t always the clearest vision for me; my parents have and always have had a very dysfunctional relationship, heaps of arguments and masses of “quiet time”(not talking). And so I developed into your typical dysfunctional teenager; smoking, cutting school, angry, depressed, lost and then at the age of 18………..I became…a MOTHER.
I bet you could’ve guessed…..
Being a mother at such a young age was not uncomplicated, and realized later THIS”fun”fact; once a young mother….always a young mother. Yes you will grow to become older and wiser and gain parenting skills, certainly!... but your kid grows with you. So by the time my now 19 year old daughter Kathy was a toddler I have now gained knowledge of babies, and by the time she was in school I was excellent with toddlers, high school for her…..and elementary school age kids….no challenge for me! I now see I will always try to catch up and she will until the end of time beat me to it. I will always be this teenager having a baby. On the flip side, this, I discovered later was my calling, destiny, my fate if you will. Being a mother turned out to be the most satisfying, fulfilling thing in my life. Thanks ~K~
I did somehow provide her with life skills to do better than me. She is now in college and doing excellent. She’s a great kid and I’m proud of her. Sure there was an assortment of tribulations, she WAS born with a job( as DR Phil would say), she had to teach me how to be a mom and sometimes wait for me to do my “assignments” I blame myself often for many things, and seldom do I find ways to go back in time and fix the past( where is Dr Brown and his time machine when you need him) If it really is possible to learn from your mistakes then considering the amount of mistakes I’ve made…..we are taking a mastermind here writing this story!
I am now 37 and Kathy is 19, I got married 6 years ago to a wonderful big Jewish boy and had 2 more daughters! oy vey!
Life couldn't be better, Sadie my 2 ½ year old is so cute and funny and extraordinarily smart. Toddlers…I could talk about toddlers for hours (well, I could talk about anything for hours, maybe that’s why I always go back to writing, fearful this talking thing gonna get me divorced and friendless. You can always close a book when you’ve had enough, me….well …not so much. Sadie……. I waited a long time for this girl. Kathy was already almost 17 when Sadie arrived. For a long time I thought, it would always be just Kathy and me, and it wasn’t a sad thought, it was almost a decision. I really didn’t think I ever wanted to get married, I didn’t think it was for me. I never loved a boy forever.
Rob and I dated for 7 years before we got married so when he proposed and I still loved him so much and did not want to ever be without him, the answer was easy. Suddenly everything has changed, I now wanted to be married and wanted more children……I found love at last…
Sadie was a much planned pregnancy. I’m talking ovulation calendar on the computer, did oodles of research on; “how to get preggers fast” Even ate “the right” foods….in the end, it was surprisingly simple…sex without protection. I remember the day we drove to the hospital to be induced,( I can grow them well but my uterus doesn’t want to give them up). I felt a bit nervous, anxious yet…calm.
Yes, I was going to have to push a watermelon through a very small opening, and endure the kind of pain hell is made of but I was ready. Ready to fall in love like that again, ready to share this amazing experience with Rob, ready to give Kathy a sister……..with Rob by my side I was prepared and equipped to have a family, my OWN family.
We arrived at the hospital, parked the car, and seat there for a minute. I looked at him and said” lets go have a baby”. The boy I loved was about to become the father of my child. He was excited, happy and just like me, anxious. I watched him with Kathy for years, and knew he was without doubt going to be a remarkable dad, but this was different, this was his first “genetic “child. He was going to be Daddy now.
We went up to the 2nd floor (we knew it well by now, I thought I was in labor every other week throughout the entire pregnancy). The nurses got us set up in our labor room, and I got to change into one of those very fashionable hospital gowns that open in the back and of course you always forget That small detail( well, I always forget), so every time you bend down you present the world with a side of you that at 40 weeks and 5 days of pregnancy and 50+ lbs extra is not exactly…..attractive (because of course by now they have you walk around “commando” for to allow easy access to what used to be the most private part of you that now seems to be public property. No dinner and a movie, not even a cocktail! My doctor and the nurses just walk in the room and say;”ok, lets see”
I got hooked up to the remarkable drug called “potocin” to get the labor started. Without this great drug I would stay pregnant forever (like I said, I can conceive them, grow them really well, and that’s it….they get comfortable and certainly overstay their welcome!)
It was going to be a long day….or two. My doctor presented us with the game plan; potocin all day, if not dilated 10 cm by the end of the day, we will take a break for the night and start again in the morning. Oh please, dilate……
Things were progressing sort of slow, but steady. The potocin was doing it’s job, my contractions were very regular and definitely becoming more and more intense, but I was still able to sort of think through them so I knew I wasn’t even close. Sometime mid day we had one of Rob’s friends stop by to see how we were doing, Rob and we’ll call him Dennis( we’ll call him that cause that is his actual name) stepped out of the room for a while, to walk around a bit …… labor CAN be exhausting…..hmmmm. Just then……I felt a bit wet! Holly revoltingness!...did my water just break?!?!
I actually wasn’t sure at first. I thought, maybe I just peed a little. I have done it plenty all through the pregnancy. Anyone that has experienced pregnancy before IS very familiar with the occurrence.
It is rather ironic that most of those times I thought my water actually broke and promptly called my DR, yet when the one and only time it really does happen…I think I just peed a little. I guess I just imagined it differently. For some women it will just be drops, some a slow trickle and for the
“lucky” ones…a gush. This is how it went down (no pun intended) for me; couple of drops at first, no big deal , again this happened every time I stood up, sat down , sneezed, coughed, laughed…whatever, like a comma in a sentence. Just couple of seconds later …..a trickle, hmmmm , should I call the nurse? I did… she came, confirmed, yes my water did break and thus all hell broke loose too! Wow , the contractions picked up fast, I was not able to talk or think through them any longer, it became painful and terrifying but exciting ….this girl was definitely coming and she was coming SOON!!!!
I was now 3 ½ cm. Wait, wait, before you judge! I know what you’re thinking….3 1/2cm?! she’s in this much pain at 3 1/2cm?! What a wimp!!!! No, believe me not a wimp at all! I had Kathy without epidural, without any kind of meds not even to take the edge off! So no my friends, not a wimp.
Sadie was a BIG baby, so once the water broke and she was pressing right on my(lets use a technical term here)crotch! I was in pain!!!!!!!I didn’t want epidural just yet, I was afraid it would slow down labor and because I did have Kathy all natural I guess I did feel little cowardly to ask for epidural this early on. I walked around for a while hoping this will help pick up the pace……it didn’t…….. initially. I was still 31/2 cm but the pressure was unbearable…..I gave in…it was time for epidural.
The anesthesiologist came” installed” the good stuff and 10 min later I was in heaven…….for about 10 min. Then, hell again!!!! The epidural only worked on one side so my right side felt like it was being ripped off of my body, they tried turning me from left to right and back again but no use, the anesthesiologist came back, put more meds through already installed IV in my back. Now, I felt nothing….no pain, no pressure…………nothing. My DR came in to check on me as he did all day every so often. My nurse informed him I was 3 ½ cm just 20 min ago, and also told him about my problems with epidural. I mentioned how right before they gave me my second dose, I felt a ton of pressure. “Well, let’s check you again, just to see what’s going on” he said………..this is what happen next;
OMG,she’s complete!!!” the nurse; “what?!”, the dr;”push!”, me; “what?!”the DR and the nurse now;”push! push!”, me; “now?” Because of the double epidural I didn’t feel my contractions hence I didn’t know when to push and so when they said push, I pushed…..and pushed….and pushed! ....and didn’t stop until the baby came out! Consequently I ended up with a 4th degree tear. For those not familiar with the phenomenon, the more you tear from front to back the higher the degree. There is no 5th degree……….enough said.
Sadie Gloria arrived at 7:22pm. Wow, I just gave birth to…… husband…. in drag! She looked just like him but unquestionably like a girl. How is that possible? How can this girl look so much like the boy I married yet still have the prettiest girl face? Guess my husband is kind of pretty too…in a very manly sort of way….of course.
She was SO beautiful, I was SO ready to nurture again, it’s been SO long since I had a baby…..this felt SO right…….
Rob cried for days, he never loved like this before, he kept saying; “I feel too much!”………I knew exactly what he meant, and right then and there, I knew, we were not done.
Two and a half years later…Victoria Lauren was born……
I was sitting on the couch one evening, watching Rob and Sadie putting together a puzzle. I was soo tired, drug induced kind of tired….could I possibly be preg…,no,no. I mean, yes, this is the kind of tired I only feel the first couple of months of pregnancy and no, we have not been as careful as we should be, but we are in no financial position right now to have another baby, nor could we fit 3 children in our house………”mommy, mommy! Wake up!”I suddenly hear…Oh good! This was only a silly little dream. Daddy! Mommy is sleeping again!...she is?!.....I am?!.......In my head now…….oh crap! I’m pregnant!!!!
I knew I was pregnant, this kind of tired is very different, very recognizable, very specific to this “condition”. Suddenly everything made sense. The exhaustion, the not feeling great, the bloating…..I had no doubt in my mind, I was “with child”, but I had to make sure. I had to….pee on THE stick! Next morning Rob went to work, it was Saturday so I was home. I waited for him to leave and the minute I heard the garage door close I was in the bathroom…taking THE test. The second I made my” deposit” onto the stick…it was positive! I think it even made a sound, and did a little dance. I waited the required 3 min and…well…still “+”! OK, come down, this is good; you both wanted this ……maybe not now but at some point…definitely! I guess “some point” is now!
I can’t even describe the feeling, I got so hot and lightheaded and woozy I couldn’t even concentrate on how I felt emotionally.

Now the question is; how do I tell Rob about this without killing him?!
He came home telling me something about someone, or maybe… then I could hardly comprehend English, in my head now only holy cow I’m pregnant, OMG I’m pregnant, wow pregnant, pregnant, pregnant……..
We need to talk, I said….Kathy wasn’t home and Sadie was already in bed. I wish I had something better to make the announcement with, but like I said in my head now just…bubbles..
Why? He asked in a very suspicious tone. He knew, he had to! We were not using protection; we were just depending on my ovulation cycle, or my knowledge of it. Right.
Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant!! …..OK………….